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Healing The Shame
That Binds You
Understanding How Shame Binds Us and How to
Begin to Free Ourselves
Robert D. Caldwell, M.Div.
Shame is the inner experience of being “not wanted.” It is feeling worthless, rejected, cast-out. Guilt is believing that one has done something bad; shame is believing that one is bad. Shame is believing that one is not loved because one is not lovable. Shame always carries with it the sense that there is nothing one can do to purge its burdensome and toxic presence. Shame cannot be remedied; it must be somehow endured, absorbed, gilded, minimized or denied.
Shame is so painful, so debilitating that persons develop a thousand coping strategies, conscious and unconscious, numbing and destructive, to avoid its tortures. Shame is the worst possible thing that can happen, because shame, in its profoundest meaning, conveys that one is not fit to live in one’s own community. In this quite imperfect world where we were all nurtured by parents who were themselves, in some sense, shame-bound, we have learned to feel shame–some more than others.
There are four kinds of families which are most adept at spawning shame-dominated progeny–abusive, neglecting, controlling, and enmeshing families. To understand something of how toxic shame is created in these family contexts is to begin to be aware of the origins and dynamic of one’s own shame, and to begin to take steps toward its undoing and moving towards healthy shame. This is the burden of shame which stops us expressing what we want and it’s judicious to work on healing the shame that binds you. Kindly click relevant link to read more.